Behind the Couch: Why I Chose to Specialize in OCD and Anxiety

I’ll never forget the first time I saw someone paralyzed by an intrusive thought— and how invisible their pain was to everyone else. I was working in a partial hospitalization (PHP) and intensive outpatient program (IOP) while in my associateship. I saw a new father who had several distressing intrusive thoughts about what he might do if he got mad at his child. It grieved him so deeply that the common phrase, “What’s wrong with me” would cross his mind right after a thought would pass him. One of his assignments in group therapy was to write the narrative of his OCD in a moment when a intrusive thought would come. He cursed at himself, told himself off, hated himself and said the most horrific things to himself for just having a thought that distressed him deeply. OCD and anxiety disorders are debilitating and can be incredibly self anialating. I grieved internally seeing this, because everyone knew this man as the most gentle and kind soul in the group. Why would he think that he would ever do such things? The very fact that he was distressed that he would, means in his heart, he wouldn’t. I saw that day how tormenting specifically OCD was. Three weeks later due to the intensive therapy he got, I saw radical change in the way he interacted with himself and the intrusive thoughts. As I saw this and learned about the OCD cycle, I knew that this was what I wanted to specialize in and help those who experience it, overcome it.

I have also seen severe anxiety clients come into my room. Individuals who couldn’t leave their apartments, had the fear of objects, certain types of people, big spaces, small spaces, germs, or simply (but not at all simply) residual and consistent anxiety internally with no relief. They were constantly in survival mode, always on edge, their sleep was deprived, they couldn’t eat, they would loose their jobs or friends at times, and most importantly they never felt safe. No one wants to live a life like that. It makes me want to take a deep breath right now for how exhausting and saddening all of that sounds.

Anxiety and what we do with it is so important and key to overcoming this beast. A lot of people go about the “easy” way of dealing with it which is to just avoid the uncomfortable things, or use a substance or another quick and easy fix to help soothe you. Some people tell themselves to “just stop”, seek the reassurance they want from others or from checking just one more time. What I don’t think people realize is how their severe anxiety will ensue maladaptive behaviors and unfortunately affect relationships that they don’t intentionally wish to hurt. What soothes me to my core about counseling and therapy is this quote from Psychologist, Viktor Frankl — “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” This is such a freeing concept, that if we allow space in between the trigger and response, then we CAN do something different that could possibly change the outcome as a whole. This is why I love what I do, I get to provide those different tools that a client can do in the space. Let me reassure you (just this once (; ), that there are indeed tools and they can lead to the freedom of these experiences. Once you realize you have control over your mind and how you lead it to healthier neural pathways, therein lies your freedom and empowerment for the rest of your days.

My heart draws out to those who experience these intense and debilitating experiences. If this is you and you have had unwanted thoughts, experience intense shame, low self esteem, severe fear, or feel like you’re always in survival mode, it would be my honor to endure this with you and tailor specific scientifically based methods to ensure future relief. There’s no better time than now for you to start feeling safe in your own body.